There is no tomorrow, only today

The prison of depression

2009-11-12T11:37:00.000-08:00

"When we turn against ourselves and hate ourselves, we create the prison of depression. There is never any point in telling a depressed person who is in the depths of depression that they should not be so hard on themselves. In saying this, you reveal that you do not maintain the high standards that the depressed person does and in which the depressed person takes great pride."
Article by Dorothy Rowe, Guardian 12 Nov 2009

There's been articles in the news about depression and suicide. Understandable, after the suicide of Germany's goalkeeper Robert Enke, who walked into the path of an oncoming high-speed train.

A tragedy. On top of previous tragedy. In 2006 his two-year-old daughter died.

Poignant: he was only a few months younger than me. Too young to die. He leaves behind a wife, a daughter he and his wife adopted earlier this year, and a promising career. Such a waste of life in so many ways.

He was depressed. He could not seek help. It is reported he feared that by revealing his illness - and seeking help - he would lose his daughter. A valid fear: there is still so much stigma surrounding mental health issues.

If only he had felt he could seek help. If only he had been able to reach out, that someone could have helped him. Depression is a nasty, black and bleak place, but there is usually a way out of it. I know: I've been there and am climbing out of it. I may never fully be out of it: once you've been there it's probably easier to slip back in.

I understand how hard it is to ask for help: when things started spiralling I avoided the people who cared, who could have helped me through it. It took something drastic for me to realise I couldn't deal with this on my own any more. That I was heading down a black hole and I had no way of stopping, turning and no tools to climb back up with.

How easy could it have been to do what Enke did? I don't like to think about that: thankfully it never came to that. There but for the grace of God, and all that.

Depression is like a poison: it numbs you, it sucks you in, like that mud you can't get out of (and I can't remember the name of!). You need someone to pull you out: if you can't ask for the help - or find the help - then you sink (sinking sand, that's what I meant!) until...

I feel a great sympathy for the family of Robert Enke. I feel a great deal of empathy and sadness towards him. And a great sense of relief that I was able to seek the help I needed when I did.

Robert Enke: 1977-2009. I pray you are now, finally at peace.

I think I can

2009-11-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches.

One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill.

"I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused.

In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side.

"I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly.

However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

Remembrance Day Poem

2009-11-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

Daddy's Poem
----------------------

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall ,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
Another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

My daddy's all ways with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart'
With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her little daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.
'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see he is a British soldier
And died just this past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
Just what all soldiers fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far.

Take the time...to live and love.
Until eternity.
God bless!

A perfectionist in Control

2009-11-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

One of the things I discovered during my recent foray into therapy was a perfectionist streak I either didn't realise I had, or have refused to acknowledge. And a tendency to take the blame for everything that goes wrong.

I'm having to learn that being 'good enough' is good enough! It's OK to not be the best at something. With billions of people in this world, it's unlikely I'll ever be the best at any one thing!

I'm also learning that my value as a person is not based on being perfect/imperfect/adequate: I'm a human being, not a human doing. Some people actually like me because I'm me and not because of what I can do. And also: can't be friends with everyone and that's OK!

As well as that, I'm realising I need to give myself a break: learning new skills takes time and if I can't get it right first time, that's OK. In fact, that's fairly normal!

I'm learning all this on the ground, with St John Ambulance. (Guess you guys didn't realise you were part of my treatment!!!) For example: whene we practice slings I can never remember which way the triangular bandage goes! I have a mental block with that one, despite 'point to the elbow'. "Which point?" I can usually be heard to moan at Division. But that's OK.

It's hard, giving myself a break; permission to be 'OK'. There are still times when I'm reduced to tears, such as when I turned off the defibrillator rather than shocking during my revalidation (to reassure you all: I got another go at it and did it correctly the second time!)

Last night was the fireworks display at Alexandra Palace. I was in the Control unit. Was I looking forward to it? Heck no! I was terrified! And yet, I said yes to it. I did it. I knew I'd be in safe hands because of who I was working with and who was in charge. And I made it through in one piece! I live to see another day!

I can't say that I enjoyed it. There was so much potential for it to go - publicly - very wrong! I was stressed for days beforehand. But I took home made cake, a tried and tested recipe. The thinking being that if I couldn't do the radio stuff at least I could remind myself that I can make cake! And very nice cake at that!

I may not have enjoyed it, but I wouldn't be totally against doing it again. After all, they do say practice makes perfect!!!

GEOGRAPHY FACTS

2009-11-08T03:38:00.000-08:00

Alaska

More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska .

Amazon

The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.

The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river,

one can dip fresh water out of the ocean.

The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States .

Antarctica

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica .

This ice also represents seventy percent of all the

fresh water in the world.

As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert.

The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches

Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.),

Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.

Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village .'

Chicago

Next to Warsaw , Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit

Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1,

so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria

Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before

Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously

inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey

Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles

Los Angele's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de

Los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City

The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's

who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city.

Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.

There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin , Ireland ;

more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy ; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel .

Ohio

There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio , everyone is manmade.

Pitcairn Island

The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia ,

at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.

Rome

The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome ,

Italy in 133 B.C.

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

S.M.O.M .

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereign_Military_Order_of_Malta>
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the

Sovereign Military Order of Maltahttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereign_Military_Order_of_Malta (S.M.O.M).

It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts,

and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican.

It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert

In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt , Algeria ,

which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.
Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of

the Antarctic near Ross Island .

There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'

St. Paul , Minnesota

St. Paul, Minnesota , was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named

Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads

Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A : 1%, in Canada : 75%

Russia

The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia .

It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles).

It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries,

one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen

- so massive that the mud coming from the hole was “boiling” with it.

United States

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight.

These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls

The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls .

I have always said , you should learn something new every day.
Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today,

we forget tomorrow.

But, give it a shot anyway.

A short poem entitled Lunch Hour

2009-10-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

Eating, talking,
knitting, walking,
back to my desk.

How to Stop Gossip!!

2009-10-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home...

...and left it there all night!!!

(You gotta love Frank!)

Five truths about fear

2009-10-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.

2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out... and do it.

3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out... and do it.

4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I am on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.

5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

Yoga or drunk? Can you tell the difference?

2009-10-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Sent to me by my yoga teacher - maybe next time I'll have the vodka first!

Relationships

2009-09-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

Relationships are Worth Restoring
by Rick Warren

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you . . . agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends" (Philippians 2:1-2 Msg).

Relationships are always worth restoring.

Life is all about learning how to love, and God wants us to value relationships and make every effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict.

In fact, the Bible tells us that God has given us the ministry of restoring relationships. For this reason a significant amount of the New Testament is devoted to teaching us how to get along with one another.

The Apostle Paul taught that our ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity. Since Christ wants his family to be known for our love for each other, broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers. This is why Paul was so embarrassed that the members of the church in Corinth were splitting into warring factions and even taking each other to court.

He wrote, "Shame on you! Surely there is at least one wise person in your fellowship who can settle a dispute between fellow Christians" (1 Cor. 6:5 TEV). He was shocked that no one in the church was mature enough to resolve the conflict peaceably. In the same letter, he said, "I'll put it as urgently as I can: You must get along with each other" (1 Cor. 1:10 Msg).

If you want God's blessing on your life and you want to be known as a child of God, you must learn to be a peacemaker. Jesus said, "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God" (Matt. 5:9 NLT).

Notice Jesus didn't say, "Blessed are the peace lovers," because everyone loves peace. Neither did he say, "Blessed are the peaceable," who are never disturbed by anything. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who work for peace"--those who actively seek to resolve conflict.

Peacemakers are rare because peacemaking is hard work, but because you were formed to be a part of God's family, peacemaking is one of the most important skills you can develop.

Unfortunately, most of us were never taught how to resolve conflict, so over the next few days, we’ll consider the steps necessary to resolve conflict.

We are the sum of the choices we make

2009-09-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

I was pondering, by text, this morning with @James Grant about life. (I'm amazed at the philosophical conversations I have by text with James - rarely do I do this with anyone else!)

We were discussing getting older and regrets, and I reflected that we are who we are because of the choices we have made, and that if it wasn't for those choices - the good ones and the not-so-good ones - we wouldn't be where we are today. And we most likely wouldn't know each other either (now whether that's a good or a bad thing...)

For me that's quite poignant: for so many years I've felt like I've been wandering aimlessly, without any real purpose, but now I seem to be in a place (I don't necessarily mean a physical place) that feels just right.

I'm doing things I enjoy, even though they sometimes scare the pants off me! I've got great friends and feel like I'm part of a whole range of 'families': church, Street Pastors, St John.

Even the bad things that happened have been worked out towards something positive.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

The bad things led me to a place where I needed help, and the help has enabled me to sort things, to understand myself, to be brave and step out and try new things. And to let go of old things, things that have made me feel bad.

Yesterday I finished a short course of CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy. From now I'm on my own: no weekly meetings to talk through strategies about how to manage the challenges in life. No therapist to suggest alternative ways at looking at things. And that's scary. And exciting. And downright terrifying, actually!

But one of the big things I learnt during the therapy is that it's OK to mess up, it's OK to not be perfect, and there's far more evidence to show that I'm a better driver than I thought I would be (maybe I'll get behind the wheel of that ambulance yet!)

Also, that I am still a valuable person even if I can't do things perfectly the first time, and I don't need to be so hard on myself.

And that my choices are MY choices to make. I don't have to live/work to everyone else's expectations.

After all, if I'm the sum of the choices I make, do I want to become the person everyone else thinks I should be, or the person I want to be?

GOAL!!!

2009-09-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

I've never really been one for setting goals. After some reflection, it's most likely because of my habit of setting unrealistic, and therefore unachievable goals. Who wants to actually attempt something they're going to fail. All or nothing seems to have been my motto.

But no more! Well, that's the goal, anyway! ;-)

All the books and courses about personal development tell you to set S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timely

But recently I've been setting myself goals. Realistic goals. Attainable goals. Specific goals. Not wishy-washy, sweeping general goals, but ones that have an outcome and a timing around them. I suppose it helps that others have been setting some for me! But still, this is progress!

So what are they? Well, here are a few:

By the end of October I want to have successfully managed 2 hours of driving in London in the dark.
I wanted to do my Med Gases training by the end of this year - if all goes to plan I'll have done this by mid-November.
By Easter I'd like to have done my PTA (Patient Training), as well as my Cat 4 theory for driving with St John.

I think they're a good start for a persistent goal-avoider!

District 9

2009-09-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

I went to see District 9 this evening (taking advantage of the comp tickets my housemate can get for the local cinema). It's Tagline is 'You are not welcome here', and it's not the initial alien/horror film I initially thought it would be, having seen all the posters over phone boxes for the last few months.

Warning! Some plot spoiler below...

Set in Johannesburg, aliens have come to earth and been ghettoised into a slum for the last 20 years. A government agent sent to evict and re-house the aliens into a slum further from the city is accidentally 'infected' by alien fluid, and slowly starts to become like them.

The film looks at many social issues, and Wikipedia states that the film was inspired from historical events during the South African apartheid.

It's thought-provoking and interesting to see how the main character - who I initially thought was a p***k - changes as changes to become like them. From being prejudiced - and quite brutal - towards them, he starts to genuinely care for the two alien characters, and risks his own life to save theirs.

It's a hard watch, and very violent: maybe I'm getting old, but I was surprised it was only rated a 15. But very thought-provoking.

It reminds me of the quote given at church this morning, from a teenage girl who had become a Christian talking about those who lived near here:

"You see someone you thought was rubbish and realise they're precious."

The film makes you think about how we treat people, people who are different from us, the alien amongst us; betrayal; friendship and respect; morality.

Just because they were human, were they any better than the 'prawns'?