A perfectionist in Control

One of the things I discovered during my recent foray into therapy was a perfectionist streak I either didn't realise I had, or have refused to acknowledge. And a tendency to take the blame for everything that goes wrong.

I'm having to learn that being 'good enough' is good enough! It's OK to not be the best at something. With billions of people in this world, it's unlikely I'll ever be the best at any one thing!

I'm also learning that my value as a person is not based on being perfect/imperfect/adequate: I'm a human being, not a human doing. Some people actually like me because I'm me and not because of what I can do. And also: can't be friends with everyone and that's OK!

As well as that, I'm realising I need to give myself a break: learning new skills takes time and if I can't get it right first time, that's OK. In fact, that's fairly normal!

I'm learning all this on the ground, with St John Ambulance. (Guess you guys didn't realise you were part of my treatment!!!) For example: whene we practice slings I can never remember which way the triangular bandage goes! I have a mental block with that one, despite 'point to the elbow'. "Which point?" I can usually be heard to moan at Division. But that's OK.

It's hard, giving myself a break; permission to be 'OK'. There are still times when I'm reduced to tears, such as when I turned off the defibrillator rather than shocking during my revalidation (to reassure you all: I got another go at it and did it correctly the second time!)

Last night was the fireworks display at Alexandra Palace. I was in the Control unit. Was I looking forward to it? Heck no! I was terrified! And yet, I said yes to it. I did it. I knew I'd be in safe hands because of who I was working with and who was in charge. And I made it through in one piece! I live to see another day!

I can't say that I enjoyed it. There was so much potential for it to go - publicly - very wrong! I was stressed for days beforehand. But I took home made cake, a tried and tested recipe. The thinking being that if I couldn't do the radio stuff at least I could remind myself that I can make cake! And very nice cake at that!

I may not have enjoyed it, but I wouldn't be totally against doing it again. After all, they do say practice makes perfect!!!