We are the sum of the choices we make

I was pondering, by text, this morning with @James Grant about life. (I'm amazed at the philosophical conversations I have by text with James - rarely do I do this with anyone else!)

We were discussing getting older and regrets, and I reflected that we are who we are because of the choices we have made, and that if it wasn't for those choices - the good ones and the not-so-good ones - we wouldn't be where we are today. And we most likely wouldn't know each other either (now whether that's a good or a bad thing...)

For me that's quite poignant: for so many years I've felt like I've been wandering aimlessly, without any real purpose, but now I seem to be in a place (I don't necessarily mean a physical place) that feels just right.

I'm doing things I enjoy, even though they sometimes scare the pants off me! I've got great friends and feel like I'm part of a whole range of 'families': church, Street Pastors, St John.

Even the bad things that happened have been worked out towards something positive.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

The bad things led me to a place where I needed help, and the help has enabled me to sort things, to understand myself, to be brave and step out and try new things. And to let go of old things, things that have made me feel bad.

Yesterday I finished a short course of CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy. From now I'm on my own: no weekly meetings to talk through strategies about how to manage the challenges in life. No therapist to suggest alternative ways at looking at things. And that's scary. And exciting. And downright terrifying, actually!

But one of the big things I learnt during the therapy is that it's OK to mess up, it's OK to not be perfect, and there's far more evidence to show that I'm a better driver than I thought I would be (maybe I'll get behind the wheel of that ambulance yet!)

Also, that I am still a valuable person even if I can't do things perfectly the first time, and I don't need to be so hard on myself.

And that my choices are MY choices to make. I don't have to live/work to everyone else's expectations.

After all, if I'm the sum of the choices I make, do I want to become the person everyone else thinks I should be, or the person I want to be?